At some point, your life is bound to veer off course. Fate’s touch, though not always the kindest, catches us by surprise and sweeps us into its unyielding current.
These transitions can be some of the most challenging periods of our lives. Even when they arise by choice, say a career change, it can be painful and disorienting. More often than not, however, prolific change strikes at unfavorable times, beyond our control.
Sometimes, these experiences are shared, like during a natural disaster, recession, or the pandemic, for example. Other times, they can be deeply personal, like battling an illness, which can be incredibly isolating and distressing.
Transitions shake the very foundations of our lives and call into question our resilience and sense of self. In the realm of psychology, this phenomenon is better known as “liminality,” or the state of being between social roles or identities. In simpler terms, you are no longer who you once were, yet have not fully embraced the new identity ahead of you.
Consider those grappling with a particularly tumultuous divorce. They find themselves in a state of flux, no longer identifying as the person they once were within the bounds of marriage, yet, mentally and emotionally, they have not yet undergone the transformative process required to embrace their new identity as a single individual.
Professionally, this could manifest as an individual who has established a strong identity based on their role and achievements but chooses to embark on a new career path. During this transition, they find themselves no longer immersed in their previous professional identity, yet not entirely settled into their new one.
These limbo states can be ineffable and accompanied by feelings of discomfort, uncertainty, pain, and grief. And the unfortunate reality about this is that many of us will spend over a decade’s worth of time in these states.
In his book “Life Is in the Transitions,” Bruce Feiler interviewed hundreds of people on the major changes in their lives. Through his research, he found that the average person experiences 3 to 5 life-altering transitions in their lifetime, each lasting an average of 5 years.
Meaning, each and every one of us is bound to spend 15 to 25 years in liminality. The better we understand these transitions (and our tendency to resist them), the more likely we are to transform them into sources of meaning and success.
The following strategies are by no means an exhaustive list and their benefits may vary for each individual, however; I am confident there is valuable insight applicable to anyone at any stage of life.
1. The path is not always linear.
The notion that life unfolds in a linear fashion is deeply ingrained in our psyche. We are drawn to stories that follow a chronological order, where events and actions have clear cause-and-effect relationships. Many of us grew up believing that our lives were destined to follow a similar structure: complete your education, find a sole lifelong partner, secure the job you’ll hold for the rest of your life, get married, and start a family. This idea suggests that life is predictable and sequential – and that if we do not hit these milestones by a certain age, we are failures.
I’ve written before about my humble start in the automotive industry. It took me multiple days to convince the first dealership I worked at to hire me, and even when they did, it took me a month and a half longer to sell my first car.
The point is: When we accept that life is multidimensional and fluid, we can be more forgiving of ourselves and quicker to accept when uncontrollable circumstances happen in our lives.
2. Focus on what you can work with.
Transitions have a tendency to make us feel that life is beyond our grasp. And while that certainly bears a ring of truth, it is essential to acknowledge what is within our realm of influence When a loved one falls ill, for instance, it is natural to dwell on life’s injustice and we can be consumed with imagining the possibilities of both past and future. Were there warning signs? Was it my fault for not noticing? What does the future hold?
The weight of these thoughts is overwhelming and debilitating. Yet, it is in this reflection that we can find solace and make a positive change. While we cannot control the occurrence of illness, we can offer support, care, and presence to our loved ones.
Instead of allowing ourselves to be consumed by our powerlessness, we can shift our attention to spending quality time with them. We can prioritize creating memories with our loved ones and being present when doing so. These realizations can not only make a positive impact in your life but theirs as well. Doing so can be a mirror of hope, that in spite of an illness, life can be purposeful and enjoyable.
3. Make space for the hard times.
Making space for hard times is an essential part of navigating life’s inevitable turmoils. Rather than waiting for lightning to strike, we must proactively prepare ourselves to weather the storm. As psychologist Elissa Epel puts it, we must “incorporate stress buffers into the fabric of our daily lives.”
As a CEO, creating these safety nets is critical. I’ve designed my teams to be capable of stepping in and providing support so that personal and professional challenges are not exacerbated. Likewise, in our personal lives, healthy routines can stabilize and nourish us when we need it most. Routines such as sleep, exercise, and diet serve as pillars, creating a healthy foundation for us in times of adversity.
Making space also encompasses the need to grant time for yourself to process the challenging emotions that come with life transitions. If you’re navigating a career change, for instance, giving yourself the space to process and prepare can make you feel better equipped for the challenges that lie ahead.
4. Learn and be inspired by others.
Humans have been struggling through life for eons. In this shared journey, our collective experience serves as a reservoir of wisdom from which we can draw inspiration and guidance. Doing so can remind us that we are not walking these paths alone. Every situation you encounter, there have been millions who have experienced it as well before you.
The trials and triumphs of those before us can help us in our own journeys. “Study the cautionary tales and the screw-ups, the failures and successes,” Ryan Holiday writes. “If you don’t, it’s a dereliction of duty.”
The good news in all this? Science says you’re likely to look back on life transitions as catalysts for positive change. During transitions, our brain has a tendency to focus on the negative. However, with time, negative emotions fade more than our positive emotions do. That means that almost every transition bears positive fruit – it might just take us some time to realize it.
